Saturday, September 12, 2009


In my life, it's such a strange time for me right now. I feel happy with my life, but also have a strange sense of deja vu. My daughter is the same age I was when my mother took her life away. In a few days, I am going to be my mother's age when she died.

The air has the same crisp, cool breeze and startling harshness of the bright sun from that day, as we near the change of seasons. This change in the weather has always thrown me for a loop. Every year it trips my memory. I do welcome the change to cool weather, but it recalls unpleasant times. Just for a week or so, then I go on, and I'm fine.

This year the memories are lingering and giving me such a feeling of panic and foreboding. I am smothering my children with kisses and hugs. Relishing the time I have with them. Feeling like it could end any moment from a car accident, kidnapping or other tragic world event. I made Z. practice walking home from his new bus stop over and over again, so he wouldn't get lost. I was making him crazy. I wish I could just be a "cool, laid-back" kind of mom who lets her kids discover new freedoms gracefully. Anxiety disorder and PTSD are a bitch.

I believe the anniversary of 9/11, school starting for the kids, and A. and I being the same ages my mother and I were on that fateful day, have all come together to create these feelings of sadness, loss and anxiety. They too shall pass. The winter rain will be here soon to wash away the fall and drive away the crowds. I look forward to beach combing on the empty beaches with my family in tow, looking for that perfect shell or rock.

I feel fortunate to have such a wonderful, supportive, loving husband and friends to help me through these difficult times. Thank you, thank you friends! You know who you are. Stucco, you are my world. I love you!


At 2:58 PM, Blogger Stucco said...

You just need the "special treatment". I'll show you later, after the kids are asleep. ;)

At 4:43 PM, Blogger Cheesy said...

You're doing just fine baby gurlie. A little anxiety can be a good thing. Your kids will forgive you.... someday.

At 11:23 PM, Blogger Andy said...


At 1:44 PM, Blogger Schmoopie said...

Stucco- Heh.

Thanks Cheesy! I hope so :)

Andy- Thanks for the hugs my friend!

At 8:13 PM, Blogger KelKel said...

I love you because of who you are. I was an overprotected child and look at me now! I am not scarred for life, neither will they. They will look back on it and you will all have a good laugh. You are a strong, funny, beautiful, woman. Never forget that.

At 12:41 PM, Blogger The Young Ones said...

You are my hero! I love you and miss you! You amaze me in every way. You know I have always cherished our friendship and time together. XOXO

At 8:48 AM, Blogger Stucco said...

See? The bottom line here is that you have no idea how much you are loved. I know, and for the record, I love you MORE. Yuh huh. Give it up- I'm never going to relent. Pig-headedness is part of my charm.

At 1:45 PM, Blogger Maggie said...

Hey we have the I love you more fight ongoing here too!

You're a wonderful mom, I think your kids will always appreciate it. Plus you live by the beach! How awesome is that? I've never found a more healing place than next to crashing waves.

At 2:52 PM, Blogger meno said...

Way to go Stucco, give 'til it hurts. What a guy.

Hey hon, the end of fall brings back bad memories for me every year. I always wonder what the hell is going on, and then i remember why i'm feeling that way.

Courage, and hugs.

At 9:44 PM, Blogger Schmoopie said...

Kel- From the bottom of my heart, thank you! Love you sis.

T. What can I say? You rock! Your friendship means the world to me.

Stucco- I LOVE YOU MORE!! Never forget it!

Maggie- Living by the beach is the best. It really helps when I can go there and just sit and mull things over. It is so peaceful.

Meno- Courage and hugs to you too. Thank you :)

At 6:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Schmoopie -
Love is all around you, near and far. If you could feel it, the love from all your friends and family would sweep you off your feet, like the rush of a bore tide. You deserve the love from others, but more importantly, you need to know that you are worthy of the love from yourself.

At 4:54 PM, Blogger Schmoopie said...

Anon- Thank you for those precious words.


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